3 Little Words

Lately I have been pushed to my limit, after each panic attack, bout of anxiety and hardship I have had ( and it seems to be one after the other) I have laid in bed curled up in a ball and cried my eyes out. I then take some time to compose myself, build myself up again to find the strength to carry on and I keep going.

Why do I keep going? 

Because after struggling with depression and anxiety for twenty years I have learnt the value of what it means to be Happy, to have Inner Peace and “To Love and be Loved in Return” (“Love”).
For me their is nothing greater than these 3 things and they mean more to me than money or any material possession money can buy.

So, that is why on my really bad days I don’t give up and don’t give in. Because to live a life without Peace, Love and Happiness is a life truly not lived. Over the years I have missed out on a lot of these  three things, so I guess that is why they are so treasured and dear to me.

I know “Peace, Love and Happiness” may sound a little corny… but honestly when you take those three things away and don’t have them in your life, or have gone through struggle after struggle etc. These 3 little words end up meaning so much.

 

-The Soul Writer

thHO3M1H4B

 

 

 

 

 

Tell Me Why?

Loneliness is a pain and sorrow that to truly grasp its depths of emptiness, one must have to have had experienced it.

I have felt this soul crushing sense of loneliness in my life…to think that soo many people experience this, and that they too have felt this pain….

WHY????

How come we live in a world where people can feel so alone?

What is the root cause of this?

Is the society we live in structured in a way that supports loneliness??

Have we lost the art of true communication from technology?

Why are we lacking in supportive communities?

WHY?

These are some of the insights and questions I have going on in my mind..

Please give me your insight as to why so much loneliness is going on in the world?

Or be honest… is all of this just coming from a limited perspective?

Just thought I’d put it out there…

✌️- The Soul Writer

Picture of Hope

I have been quiet on here, as I have been going through a trying time. I finally found the courage to change my medication that I have been on for my anxiety and depression because it wasn’t working.

And yes I use the word “courage”. Because anyone who has been through anxiety and depression and is being treated with medication knows that not every medication will work for you, you have to find the right one.

It is in that process/transition of finding and trialing new medication , you can experience a whole range of different side effects and it can leave your anxiety and depression go into a free fall spinning out of control. It can be a living hell… a waking nightmare. Something I have personally been experiencing for the last few weeks and even more so after the last few days I have had. And it has been scary.

So yes I use the word “courage”.

COURAGE to speak openly and express my fear, express my feelings and what I have been going through openly

I want to bring to awareness to the rawness the true un polished version of raw fear/anxiety and the consuming black epitome of depression… to be a voice for the ones that suffer alone through a hell that seems never ending… craving for sleep to encompass you to evade the feelings.

I want the world to be aware of the unpolished version of anxiety and depression by ripping the bandaid off what is a more buffered version in main stream society. So it can be seen clearly and openly discussed creating more awareness and support.

I speak from a place of humbleness, because anxiety and depression have no room for the ego.

I speak from a place of experience having lived with this for twenty years.

I speak from a place of compassion and understanding.

And I speak from my soul and from my heart wanting to be a voice, to speak out and to make a change.

With the gaps that I have seen and experienced in the health care system heck in the government system regarding the lack of support and understanding that is given to mental health.

I have seen people fall through those cracks and not survive. Hell I have fallen through the cracks but somehow managed to claw my way out and find the strength to keep going to keep living.

To the strong warriors that have committed suicide, I want to be a voice for you.

I dedicate my writing and my will to make a difference to you. I promise I will not give up and will do my all to make a difference, to bring awareness to create the change needed.

This is my goal this is my mission.

And one day at a time, one step at a time, I hope to achieve that.

The Soul Writer – ✌️

Just to let everyone know during my transition of changing medication for my anxiety and depression I have been monitored safely via my doctor.

To be present in this very moment

To be present in this very moment… not to be reliving the past or looking to the future in my mind.

Just to be in the now.

Because the now, this very moment is all that is real. As the future has not come..and the past is only a memory.

To be present with your mind and body right now in this moment is a gift.

And it can free the anxious mind from a continuous overload of unnecessary thoughts.

Was inspired to share this thought, after a beautiful mindfulness meditation with Thich Nhat Hanh.

✌️- The Soul Writer.

Battling Anxiety

Anxiety is akin to a leech. It can suck the life right out of you. Like being on your hands and knees crawling through a hot sandy desert with no water In sight.- “It can leave you feeling completely and utterly helpless and depleted”.

As someone who suffers from chronic anxiety, I can attest to the fact that after an extreme episode of anxiety it can leave you being only a shell of the person you once were. All of the life and vitality you once felt being sucked and drained completely from your being.

I am not over exaggerating, as when you are in that chronic state of anxiety having constant panic attacks your body is working overtime –

  • Your heart is racing
  • Your hands are shaking
  • Your palms are sweating
  • Your mind is in hyperdrive – thinking the worst
  • You have pains in your chest
  • You have pins and needles
  • You think your dying of a heart attack
  • You start crying your eyes out 😭
  • Your waiting for the worst to happen

Your body is working overtime and depleting itself of its energy resources. At the end of this you feel completely and utterly exhausted 😩 like you have just ran a marathon and then completely collapse after the finish line.

You have nothing left…Your limbs feel weighed down like lead and all you want to do is curl up in a ball in the dark, and close your eyes and hope sleep comes to claim you.

Now put this anxiety episode on a loop, let it replay day In and day out. Imagine the toll it would have on some one physically and mentally.

Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Chronic Anxiety is no joke. It is not for the faint of heart, it is a battle every damn day. And in my opinion anybody who suffers from this is a warrior, because they battle continuously and often with no end in site. I hope to give insight and a peek into what it’s like – from someone who knows what it’s like to live with it every day.

And to those that suffer from it like me, you have my utmost respect ✊ and heartfelt support. I use the word respect because in my mind anybody who suffers from this is an outright warrior. Because like a warrior you go into battle every day and face a form of debilitating fear that pushes you to your limits.

And often it is a silent battle that people know nothing about.

✌️- The Soul Writer

A Cuppa With Me

Come have a cup of tea with me. Let’s sit and talk about life, the world and all that it entails. Let’s make a bonfire down the beach and look at the stars and moon.

Let’s listen to the waves hit the beach and dig our toes into the sand.

Let’s just take time out from this crazy world and just be.

✌️- The Soul Writer

I am a Warrior Goddess

I have been put down, judged, made fun of, looked down on, made to be felt useless, unimportant, abused, and pretty much told I am pathetic. And to all those people that have done that to me…Today I say THANK YOU!

Thank you for making me stronger!

Thank you for making me the person I am today.

You did not win in regards to reducing me to feel insignificant, a nobody or worthless.

Today marks the day when I step out of that shadow, spread my wings and look to the sky.I stand with my shoulders back, and my head held high.

And an almighty battle cry rips through my core my very essence my soul!

I am a warrior! I am a goddess! I am in every sense of the word a woman! You will hear me, You will see me, in all my raw authentic glory and power.

As I stand in anticipation for what’s to come I whisper two words…

Bring it.

✌️- The Soul Writer

Free to write reflect and just be.

Sooo tonight I decided I’m going to have a break from Facebook. The choice I have made to have a break from Facebook is a personal choice for me for the time being. I haven’t set a time frame for how long I will be off Facebook… but felt inspired from my bestie to do so.

This blog on the other hand, will help aid in the quiet time I intend to have, where I can harness my inner most thoughts… And have time to just breathe and be me.

Because here on my blog I can be free, I can be who I am… authentically me. Write about personal issues, insights, areas of growth/learning,the past…it’s limitless … and I would not dream about sharing half of this on Facebook..

I feel the environment on here is very supportive, I have read so many different blogs that have truly touched my heart ❣ and are deep and personal to those who write them.

And there is something sacred about that… people sharing their inner most thoughts and feelings openly without limitations. It has really helped me in my healing journey with depression and anxiety, and getting in touch with myself again.

I am having realisations, about myself, about the way the world works, about people in general, about what makes me happy, and about the dreams I wish to achieve. Deep insights and reflections on the past, present and what the future can hold… And I found a place where I can share that on here.

As I sit here and have my cup of tea, in the silence of the early morning hours..I can be free to write, reflect and just be..

And a sense of peace comes from that

✌️- The Soul Writer

Changes

It’s been a while since I have been on here…I have been a hermit. Reflecting on my life and the changes I want to make in it. It feels good to just sit here and write whatever comes to mind.

No limits in regard to what I feel I want to talk about or get off my chest. In fact you could say this has been very therapeutic for me.

I am coming to this place where I am having great awareness of all things in my life. And with Awareness comes change.

I feel I am looking in on my life and seeing things from an outside perspective a different perspective. These lyrics from the song “Changes” by 2pac comes to mind…

That’s where I’m at. The old way isn’t working for me anymore… so it’s up to me to make the changes I need to make to be more happy and at peace within myself.

There comes a time when I’ve got to own the decisions and choices I’ve made in life, and realise I’m what got me where I am today. If I want to get out of this cycle of being depressed, anxious etc. I have got to commit and make changes for myself and be disciplined enough to carry them out and stick to them.

In other words I have to get myself off this continuous merry -go-round. Make my physical, spiritual, emotional and mental health a priority. Be kind to myself.

Because when it comes down to it I am the only one who can do it, who can make these changes for myself.

It’s time to stop having such an internal war with myself and procrastinating on the changes I wish to make. Otherwise I will never get off this hamster wheel that I am on.

These are my thoughts, this is where I’m at.

I know it’s going to be hard and it’s not going to be easy. I’m going to struggle. I will have my good and bad days… but it’s how I move on from my bad days that will define me.

Anyone who has mental health is a WARRIOR! No Bullshit! Seriously! The struggle is real, and you my friend are a bloody warrior for getting through it and being here!! ( this is for all my blog friends in here with mental health, yes you!) – And a bit of a pep talk for myself also 😉

Before I go… This is way off topic but I had a pen name for my blog that come to me while I was sitting out on the patio having a cuppa writing this.

“Soul Writer” – yeah it sounds corny but seriously it seems to fit for me right now… Cause everything I write on here comes from my inner most thoughts, feelings and my soul.

And the soul is limitless and eternal.. so what I write about is not defined by one topic… it can be limitless…

Anyway that’s enough from me and my ramblings…

Until next time…

✌️- The Soul Writer.

A life shadowed by Depression and Anxiety

This morning I woke up and had a light bulb 💡 moment. I’m not happy. Depression and Anxiety have Moulded and shaped the life I have now… and it’s not a true reflection of the life I have always wanted for myself.

Call it a moment of clarity, as I see where I live, how I live, and my whole lifestyle in general… and think no wonder why I’m depressed and have anxiety.. the way I live is not helping my mental health.

It’s overwhelming to think about all the areas I wish to change in my life and the strength it is going to take to do it.

I just wanted to write about this moment so I can read back and reflect on this… the fact I became aware of this today is a big deal for me. Now I have got to think about how I can accomplish creating a home environment that is a reflection of me… along with the rest of my life.

It’s amazing to have that awareness and realise how much depression and anxiety has shaped the life I have. But I know deep down I have the power to create the life I want… it’s not going to be easy with my depression and anxiety constantly creeping up on me.

I have to stay determined and strong.

It’s going to be a long journey, but I have to try.

Because after all I have been through in my life… I deserve to try and create some happiness for myself. To have a life that is truly an authentic reflection of me and is in alignment with things I love and that make my soul happy. It is my own personal mission to lose the shadow of Anxiety and depression that has oppressed me and the life I want to create for myself.

Trinity 🙏